This week, one of my kids — along with others I’d taken away — built a fire on a beach. All innocent. All safe. All fun. Their North Face jackets (because teenagers all wear identical clothes) now smell gloriously smoky.
Naturally, I asked the obvious follow-up: Was it legal?
As a lawyer — or rather, as a former lawyer (see: Up Yours, Labels) — I did what any law nerd does. I went hunting for the law.
Nothing was clear.
A council-type website waffles vaguely about beach fires, but is their text even legally binding? It suggests that I check local by-laws but what even are by-laws and where can they be found? And if they can’t light a fire, is it a criminal or civil matter? And who owns the beach? The King? The council? Some lost medieval duke? Pass.
Still unsure, I asked the most law-abiding person I know: a police officer who’s related to one of the kids.
He didn’t know either!
He confirmed it wasn’t arson (great news), and that the police would probably just ask the kids to put it out — but couldn’t say what was the actual law to back that up. And by asking them to put out a possibly lawful fire, would that be a human rights issue? Pass.
This, friends, is bonkers. In 2025, I can move money online, use Google translate and use AI to create a doll of me which, when you pull the chord, says: “I’ll sue your ass!”
And in a workplace, there’s a contract and a staff manual which contain most of the rules. In a school, there are rules which are frequently restated. But in a supposed democracy? We pay taxes and still can’t locate the rules we live by.
This is why I wrote Cosmic Conversations Café. Because to an alien — and to most of us — British law is unintelligible nonsense.
Thankfully, the robots are coming.
AI will — very soon — be able to answer these questions quickly, clearly, and for free. Lawyers who want to stay useful? Best adapt.
Until then, I recommend the Suffrago Legislation Exolainer. We built it to do what the state doesn’t: help people understand the laws they live under.
As for the fire? They toasted – legally or illegally – marshmallows. Personally, I prefer illicitly-toasted marshmallows, due to their illegal label!
